YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE...MAYBE TWICE!
Trust And Lack Of It
For reasons from my past, I have a hard time trusting guys. I don't mean to be like that, because not all guys are the same, but one traumatic event leads to a whole series of mistrust.
What I really want to say is that I think my trust issues are slowly being fixed. I've always been rather cautious and protective of myself when I'm around guys of any sort, but there has been one in particular that has me in a very trusting position. I bet you saw this coming, but my boyfriend... I have no idea how he did it, but he bypassed most of my defences, and is very close to having my complete trust.
This is going to make me appear desparate and lonely, or whatever else you want to think of me, but I will admit to everyone right now: I met my boyfriend online. I am in an online relationship. It's a stupid thing to do, one that I've already done multiple times before. But this has been different from anything else. I've been extremely careful, and I've told my mom about it, and all my friends, so safety is not an issue here. There are other reasons why I'm in this relationship, not that I should really have to explain, but then again, you all are my friends, and there's no reason to keep it a secret.
When I met this guy, I was extremely cautious, and didn't really know what to think of him at first. I didn't really talk to him much, and I never really knew where I stood with him. Honestly, because he almost never spoke to me in the beginning, I thought he really disliked me, and so I didn't think much of him. But then, slowly as he started talking to me more, listening to my problems, showing me his interests, and more, I paid close attention to how he spoke, and how he treated others.
Usually, for all internet guys, no offense to those reading my blog, but I don't trust them at all. I always think that they plan to use me when they start talking to me, and so I am always defensive. Even when I've determined that they are who they say they are, and they seem like nice guys, I still don't trust them that much. Call me paranoid.
Well, obviously that didn't happen with my boyfriend. Somehow, he got pass all of that, and I found myself developing feelings. After promising myself that I wouldn't end up in an online relationship ever again, I did. And one of the biggest reasons for this is because he promised me he would come see me in person.
I don't trust promises. I don't. So many of them have been broken around me. So of course, again I am surprised when I believe my guy, when he tells me he promises. But then again, the moment he breaks a promise is the moment I stop trusting him as much as I do.
I know that if my boy leaves me, my trust will be broken again. He promised that nothing would separate us other than death, and quite possibly, his mom. He better keep that promise, because it means EVERYTHING to me.
Do you guys know what this is like? How do you cope with your trust issues? How did you get passed them?
Views: 29
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Comment by Redrum: the undead juggalo on May 18, 2011 at 1:16pm
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trust to me is earned, not given.
to many things have happen in my life for me to be any other way.
i can count on one hand the number of people that i trust.
funny thing is my xe-wife is one of them.
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Comment by kasumalley on May 16, 2011 at 3:24pm
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I had a lot of people do a lot of things to make me completely stop trusting anyone. It started when I was young and got to its worst in my early twenties. After having a few boyfriends who made me feel nuts, it took a while to get through. But when I was young I didn't recognize how untrusting I was until it had already wreaked havoc on my entire life. At least you recognize it now. Gives you a lot of time to deal with it.
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Comment by Kitty Kat on May 16, 2011 at 2:44pm
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Komrad Lady: I will most definitely tell you how it goes when I finally get to see him in person. And thank you... I try to be considerate of everybodies feelings. I am always careful with how I word things, because I'm afraid of hurting others... and all around I have low self-esteem. This boy makes me feel awesome, and so do you! Thank you thank you thank you! I cannot express my gratitude enough.
Black Plague: Lol, breaking promises doesn't help a person with trust issues. Always hurts. I'm sure this boy is smart enough to figure out that if he does something really stupid, really wrong, that I won't stick around and take any mistreatings. :)
Kasumalley: I do my best to keep the important promises in mind. It's taken me a long time to get where I am right now, and it kinda scares me because I worry that I won't make it in the adult world with how I am right now, which is why I'm trying to fix as much as I possibly can right now! *hugs* thank you for the advice and words!
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Yup. I've had trust issues that stem from childhood stuff then boys. Eventually, you learn to live with it and start trusting again. It took me a long time. Hopefully it doesn't take you as long because it's a hard way to live. My only advice is to find little things to build your trust level back up. If it's a little promise that's broken, do your best to forgive and forget if it isn't something that is intentionally hurtful or damaging. Otherwise, you're just punishing yourself and that hurts just as much. *hugs* You will get through.
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Comment by Black Plague on May 16, 2011 at 1:54pm
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You will be fine sweetheart! I know that when people say things and don't follow through it hurts. Lets hope he knows he has a good thing and wakes the fuck up!
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Comment by Komrad Lady Sunyak on May 16, 2011 at 1:44pm
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My trust issues in the past were from an ex of almost 5 years cheating on me multiple times (not that once is any better) and destroying my credit. He had my head so messed up that I wouldn't even go on a date for 2 years because I thought every guy was a P.O.S. Trust is a very tricky thing because it kinda needs to be earned in the first place, but at the same time, if you mistrust someone for a past boyfriends mistakes that definitely ruins your relationship. I think the only way to cope with trust issues is to give the benefit of the doubt until given a reason to feel otherwise about the situation, while at the same time being cautious. Don't give your all to a guy unless he deserves it. And you ARE NOT desperate for meeting your guy online. I met mine through "mutual friends"...that's even more cliche. (We weren't a fixup though...met at friends house and liked each other). Let me know how things go when he comes to see you. I'm sure he'll come through. He sounds like a thoughtful person from your previous blogs and why wouldn't he want to see you? You're awesome!
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