The worst thing I ever did

I’m sorry to say that the worst thing I’ve ever seen, is also the worst thing I’ve ever done. It was going on one year since this all started. I was traveling with a group of survivors and at this point all of us had pretty much given up on hope. It was clear that thing were never going to be the same again. A funny thing happens to a man when he losses hope. With hope goes fear, and with fear goes morality. At this point we were nothing more then marauders taking anything we want killing who ever we want dead of alive. We did anything and everything just to keep our minds from turning inward on yourselves. Booze, drugs and violence when we weren’t just completely ripped out of our heads we make up these games to kill the time between when we could get ripped out of our skulls. When I say games I don’t mean shoots and ladders! More often then not it involved some horrible display of cruelty. Like rounding up two or three zed’s throwing um into a pit with a woman stripped naked and just watching them go to town on her while we all bet on which one would take a bite out of her, unmentionable area. A fun time had by all except the pour girl who found her way into the wrong side of the glass. Still that wasn’t the worst thing, the worst involved our favorite pastime of all. It involved taking a survivor we find. We would lore them in with promises of safety or food all kinds of bitter sweet promises. We could of been used car salesman all of us with how smooth our sales pitches were. Of course if that didn’t work there was the tried and true method of just drag them away by force. Any way we would take these pour souls over to field we had lined with land mines and few dead heads. Then we tell them they’d be free to go if they can just make it to the other side of the field. Of course we’d conveniently forget to tell them about the mines. Of all the pour bastards we sent out on that killing field not even one ever made it across. If the mines didn’t get you the walkers would. Sometimes in a blue moon a zed would come up next to one of them and step on a mind blowing them both up. The bet on that was 3-1. Anyway this one day we bring in a family, a whole family mom dad and little girl could been more then eight. I think the dad had been bit and one of the guys had convinced them we had a cure. We’d gotten a big scour a few months a ago. A whole truck load of military gear looks like they had been ambushed by stenches. Any way we got everything we needed to look legit, uniforms guns everything. Telling people we had a cure for the infection was one of our best tricks. Any way as soon as we got to camp they shot the dad in the head, took the mom to the pit and spent over and hour deciding what to do with the girl. That where I came in. Now I was on three day meth high, thanks to our very own hillbilly chemist. And it was me who suggested the field. Even lead the little girl to the field myself and got her all set up. She held my hand the whole way there. She didn’t want to make the run alone at first but when I told her that her parent would be waiting for her on the other side she took off. To this day I don’t know how she avoid both the mines and the zed but she makes it almost all the way to the end. Now while one of the guys has his rifle trained on her back (couldn’t let her actually get away now could we) she suddenly stops. I pull the rifle from the guy and train the scope on what she’s looking at. It was a woman stench, buck ass naked with her whom eaten out. That’s when I recognize the face. It was the kids mother. After her time in the pit the guys had thrown her on the field once she turned. The kid rushes over to her and the mom throws her arms around the little girls neck. For a moment it looked like she was hugging her, right up until she sunk her teeth into the little thing. The screams of the little girl was cut short by the bang of the explosion the kicked up a cloud of dirt where they were standing and made them both into fertilizer. As I handed the rifle back to its owner, among all the hoots and cheers, all I could think was “Damn why didn’t I bet on that”?! It wasn’t until I came down off my high the next day that the reality of what I had done sunk in. I left the group soon after and spent my days trying to repent for my sins. Even now when the moans die down and the world becomes quite, visions of that little girl return to me, along with her sweet innocent voice asking me, “Mister will I really get to see my parents if go over there”? Sometimes the guilt becomes too much to stand and I put the barely of my gun in my mouth and let my finger slowly squeeze the trigger to the point of just tripping the hammer. I should have ended it all atoned for that little girl and all the others my life, but I'm still just too much of a coward to go the extra length and end it all. I’m sorry... oh god I’m so sorry!