The moaning

The moaning, that god awful in human sound that fills the still night air. I have seen it drive many a man to the depths of insanity, how I miss it! For it is times like these when the world grows quite and the demons lurking in the shadows of my mind crawl out of there depths bringing with them the memories that haunt my very soul. I have had to do countless evil things, even become the devil himself to survive. The worst of them always comes first, my greatest betrayal! Made all the more horrific that it was done to someone I love. The man who rased me my whole life, who loved me and trusted me whole heartedly. GOD even now I can still see the look of betrayal on his face. But its his eyes, those kind caring eyes that I can’t forget. Those eyes that were crying out to me, asking WHY, no understanding just question why!

Two weeks since the infection reached our quiet little town and for all we know my family was the last left alive. My family had always looked at me with funny looks for my prepping. They questioned me spending half my paycheck every week stockpile food and survival gear. But I had been determined to be prepared for anything, of course I never could have foreseen the horror of the mutated campion virus. How ever when news of the spread reached us those awkward glances from them turned to please for help. Even being only twenty-one I had taken on responsibility for my families safety. By the time the plague reached us our house had turned from suburban home to fortified shelter. The days passed with us huddled together in the dark eating out of cans. Just the four of us, me my father my mother and my grandfather. My dad had been busy with work most my life, doing the best he could to scrape by a meager living for us. Personal reasons had kept my mom out of my life until juts recently. Which left me to be raised by the hands of my grandfather. He was always kind to me and he did everything he could for me. When my school failed to teach me how to read it was him who sat down with me every night tutoring me. It is thanks to him and him alone I found my love of literature and a passion for writing.  I owe who I am today to this man, and even though he does sometimes get under my skin and we’ve been known to argue, I always loved him with all of my heart! But as our stocks grew low I knew that he could never make it in this new world. 75 years old with a two pack a day habit and a body that had just barely beaten cancer before the outbreak. He could barely stand for five minuets let alone run from the necessary miles. And he required daily medication which was also running out quick.

The time was fast approaching for our departure and I knew what I had to do. I had my mom and dad lay him down in his bed and make sure he was as comfortable as could be. He had eaten well just before, I even gave him my share to make sure he had his fill. Then I took out the tea pot and using my camping stove made him his cup of tea just the way he liked it. Earl gray two sugars and a twist of lemon. Then I opened a bottle from my pocket and emptied several prescription sleeping pills from the medicine cabinet into the cup. They were old pills, left over from a bout of insomnia I had two years ago, and way past there expiration date. Still as I watched the pills dissolve into the steaming orange water I knew they would be enough. I took the tea up to his room passing by my parent in the hall. With no words exchanged they head off to get the bags together. We were leaving tonight! I handed my grandfather the tea and sat down in a chair at his bedside. As he took his first sip of his tea ill never forget what he told me.  “Were going soon aren’t we. I promise to keep up with you.” I smile and take his hand even though deep down it was taking everything I had not burst into tears. “Yeah we’re all going to get out of hear together”! Even though I had said it to comfort him that lie still cuts my heart like a knife. Even as I wrote those words I fell that familiar pain in my chest. By the time he took his final sip the drugs had started to take effect. he grew tiered, I could see it in his face, he could barely keep his eyes open. And in those last fleeting moments he must have figured out what I did, for that lost look he gave. Complete disbelief mixed with confusion, and then silence. I’ve gone over that night a million times in my head, and each time my head keeps saying I did the right thing, but my heart won’t let me rationalize it away. I betrayed my grandfathers trust, and I took from him something that could never be returned. My actions save my and my parents life, but it doesn’t change the fact that I don’t deserve forgiveness. Some things are beyond redemption, this is my sin, my cross to bear. And I will have to carry it’s weight for the rest of my life. I write this not so that you may understand, but that might never forget!