The Magic Is Lost

I knew this would happen sooner or later. The question was, how soon?

Of course, I thought about that over and over, but I wasn't really that worried. In fact, I was more of: Live in the now, not the past or future. Because if I think too much about those times, my anxiety overcomes me and I lose myself in stress.

Today, my boyfriend finally admitted that he lost his feelings for me. I could feel the rapid decline in our relationship, I could tell that things were going wrong. There was really nothing I could do to fix it either. I did my best. So I have no regrets.

I am now single, and very much hurt, but you know, I'll be okay, like I've always been. If I've made it through 15 years of abuse, many boyfriends who used and abused me, and countless times of harassment and bullies, then I am damn well going to live through a break up. If I haven't killed myself before, there is no point in killing myself now. The magic may be gone, but I know that it'll probably be back some day. If I leave this world now, then that's a permanent answer: No going back.

Instead, I'll take what I've learned, and do even better the next time around.

I'm sick of life though, I will admit. When I want to be happy and do better, and even smile in front of the pain, life says, "Oh yeah? Well how about this?" and dumps more shit into my life. It wasn't enough that I have to stress about raising my grades. Suddenly I'm dealing with my sister in the hospital with an eating disorder, on top of dealing with two suicidal friends with the same basic issues of ex's treating them terribly, and now a break up. What's next? I'm going to go ahead and brace myself for the death of my cat next. I don't know anything that could be worse than that, other than losing another family member, but I don't think life is going to take it to that step yet.

Haha life. The joke is on you. I'm still smiling and having fun even after my break up. So you can go fuck yourself dammit. =.=

I love you all. Never take your life, no matter what. Things will be okay again later.