Not Deserving Of A Title

I'm scared. Simple. Of what? Stating my opinion. Saying what I want to say. I'm really nervous because I know I say a lot of negative things sometimes, but I try really hard to write about happy things, to look on the upside, to smile. I worry that if I talk too much about how I feel, because lately it's been a lot more on the negative side, you guys are all gonna stop reading my blogs. 

Let me get something off my chest though, because I'm honestly worried. It's been causing me to get really anxious. 

I've been a huge emotional issue lately. I'm really worried. In psychology class, we are watching a movie called Sybil, which is based off a true story. It's about a girl who has Multiple Personality Disorder, or AKA, DID, and she works with a psychologist to get better. It's truly distressing for me to watch, because I have to watch a girl who was abused get counseling, but also revisit those distressing abuses from the past, which makes me think of my past. Mine was not anywhere near as bad as Sybil's, but every time Sybil talks about what happens, I start to panic, and so far, once during the movie, I started crying. It's really hard for me to watch it, because it hurts to remember.

One thing I keep thinking about is, yes, I need counseling, therapy, but the thing is, how is that going to help me unless I know how to start the healing process? Sybil, the movie, makes it look so easy. A doctor is going to waltz in your life, and although it's rough at first, in the end you make a ton of progress and you get better. For me, I've been going to counseling since I was in first grade. Let me tell you, it does take time to heal, but you've also need to have help sometimes. My issue is this: I don't know how to start the healing process, and out of all the therapists and counselors I've seen, they don't know how to help me.

That's scary... it makes me feel helpless. I want to heal, I want to get better... I know that once I do start the healing process, although it'll be rough, it's worth it in the end. But if I can't even find the path to the healing process, how am I going to make it in this world?

Maybe I'm just being strangely emotional, but I mean well, and I truly want to do better in this life. Any and all advice is welcome... I just want to get better than what I am right now.

Thank you readers, for sticking with me.