Hisashiburi

Hey! It's been a while since I have posted anything. I suppose I should give an update of some sort.

So... I have definitely been in mourning over the things happening lately. *sighs* When I posted my last blog, everything was fresh and I was definitely in pain, and rather numb.

There's no point in lying to anybody. I thought I handled my break up pretty well, I mean, getting through the actual breaking up. And it's true, I think my maturity made it end really well, and that's what is keeping me and my... ex as friends. Which is fantastic! I think that's what is keeping me okay with this entire break up. As long as we can at least be friends, I am fine. I want to keep him in my life, even if we are only friends. I wasn't kidding when I said I could let go... I can let go of him, but I won't let go of my love for a while. 

Even though I am okay with our break up, things weren't okay with me in general. I kept things bottled up for a long time, which was a problem, because the more problems that was added to my shoulders put me that much closer to a break down. The break down wasn't even the final straw. I had to received more bad news from my mom about living arrangements. Her and my sister are living in Portland until my sister's therapy is finished which is 8 weeks long. So, I must live with my aunt until school is out at least, and then I will be forced to move to Portland with my mom and sister until everything is finished. 6 weeks is a good portion of my summer!

After that, I finally lost it. I started dealing with suicidal thoughts of my own. There were several times where I came close to acting upon it, but I always ended up doing something that helped me to calm down. I've had two friends stick by my side through this phase, and they've really helped me laugh and smile. But also, I've done some research, which helped me feel a lot better about myself! 

Here are the sites that really helped me:

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/stigma.htm

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/whattodo.htm

Really, those sites really helped me understand some things about myself, and to not hate myself as much for the thoughts I've had. 

Luckily, I think I'm past the whole suicidal thing. Yesterday, there was a band banquet: all band members get together, we eat dinner, and we give out awards, and recognize our seniors. I did not expect anything of that night, other than that I would probably end up crying. I got an award for being an outstanding trombonist in my jazz 2 class. I was so grateful, because what surprised me the most was all the cheering I got when I walked up to accept my award. 

I ended up crying so much. I realize that I am extremely appreciated in band, which made me ashamed of my suicidal feelings and thoughts. Also, I was crying because this year, I will really miss all of our seniors. It used to be that I'd never know the people graduating, but this year, all my senior friends are going, and I am going to miss them so much!

The school year is coming to an end, and I am growing more stressed and anxious by the day. But I am a firm believer that it will end up being okay in the end!