Fuck Snow, Fuck Zombies and most of all Fuck Max Brooks! Part 3: Max Brooks

ok... so if you've read part 1, you might be wondering why i've got a sudden hard-on for this author.  well, i'm gonna fucking tell you.  The Zombie Survival Guide started making the rounds in the weeks following the 'outbreak'.  we weren't getting briefed on the threat and we were in desperate need of intel.  unfuckingfortunately, this book not only didn't give anything useful, it's probably responsible for an obscenely high number of deaths- indirectly adding to our adversaries numbers.  so yeah... fuck this guy. 

1.  Weather- zombies DON'T FUCKING FREEZE.  the cold doesn't slow them down, doesn't affect their movements or hunting skills.  in short, winter double fucks humanity by bending us over and giving those undead fuckers a free pass.

2. Weapons- A: melee weapons?  really?  i brained four or five with a crowbar before i couldn't lift the damned thing anymore.  if you think a melee weapon is your best option for a primary weapon, go take one and beat a fucking tree with it for an hour like it owes you money.  if after that you can still swing the goddamned thing well enough to crack a skull, good for fucking you.  you're eventually going to need to talk to someone about that steroid problem though.

     B: for the rest of us, we're going with motherfucking guns.  the book blasted firearms, the reasons of which escape me, but let me provide my point.  *I* can carry a M249 SAW or M240LW machine gun and tear zombies fucking apart all day, all night- because i'm a 'trained professional'.  if you're not, don't try using one of these- give it to someone that knows what to do with it, one hundred dollars says there's a skilled veteran in your neighborhood.  for you- buy a fucking assault rifle, shotgun and handgun- military styled models are preferable, make the range your new home and learn how to horde ammo like Bilbo's dragon.

3. Detection- A: sound- the book says these fuckers are attracted to sound.  and they are- if its a sound ORIGINATING from a living person: voices, breathing, coughing, etc.  any other sound these bastards could fucking care less about.  why?  the world is full of fucking sounds, but only a few mean dinner.  that's just the evil in mother nature, bitches.  

     B: sight- you had better fucking believe it.  and if you don't, you're probably already dead... so... go fuck yourself.

     C: smell/other- not sure on this one, but don't take any chances.  eventually, assholes like me are going to have to guinea pig this idea, so why don't you wait until we're done with that before doing something i'll laugh at you for.

4. Anatomy- the sumbitches simply don't fucking rot.  they don't bleed, they don't heal, but they sure as fuck do NOT fucking rot.

5. Transportation- fuck everything this guy says.  unless you're with a group of highly trained and prepared motherfuckers, you're shit out of luck.  if you're on foot, or your dumb fucking ass is actually on a bicycle, you are probably five minutes away from being eaten alive.  be smart- steal a car, then break every traffic law to reach an established safe zone.  by law, they'll have to admit you.

6. Useless Military- *sigh* so many offenses here... first and foremost, we have ALL the best guns. bullets?  um, yeah... we have them.  ALL OF THEM.  don't let the media lie to you about us running out.  we could shoot fuckers in the face for the next century and still have more than we'll know what to do with- AND we keep getting more!  and some of them are just... fucking amazingly wicked, lol.

we're also trained and experienced at shooting people.  that's actually in our job description.  don't like it?  that's probably why you're still reading this in the fucking middle of no where instead of in a safe zone.

did everyone fucking forget that we have tanks, artillery, gunships, ground attack jets and armed motherfucking drones?  we sure as shit didn't.  and somehow i doubt the zombies will either.  World War Z totally dropped the ball on this, much to my irritation.  when the US military wants something dead- it's dead with a quickness, with speed and by a means that lets everyone know we're not to be fucked with.

now, granted, we're experiencing some difficulties presently.  but hey, you try shifting from a major world war to a zombie apocalypse as fast as possible without fucking up.

Zombies aren't supposed to be real.  We kinda had some problems the first few weeks over shooting not only our wounded comrades, but unarmed Americans in the streets.  despite what you think, that actually is NOT in our job description.  our tactics, training and thoughts on warfare had nothing to help us adjust.

fortunately, what we do have is the arsenal built by the largest defense budget on the face of the planet for over 6 decades, the sense of honor and duty to protect our country and the razor sharp instinctual drive to fucking kill anything we see as a threat.  i defy you to find a group that can do better than that.

we're adapting as we fight.  everyday we learn by killing the enemy.  everyday we get better at it.

but you know something fucked up?  i've been noticing some freaky shit.  no one admits it, no one will talk to me, not even the Intelligence Corp of our division, but i want you to know shit's gonna get a helluva lot worse before it gets any better.  

the zombies... their eyes are starting to look different.  they're starting to move different.

and after what happened on that college campus, i know for a fucking fact- every day, THEY'RE learning too.