Kitty Kat's Blog (27)

Dear amazing friends who have been reading my blog posts,

Thank you very much. I hope I have not worried any of you. 

There has been a long silence from me not because it is summer, but because I have been, and still am, battling some harsh depression and stress. Complaining has been something I've been doing often, but I try really hard to limit it, because no one…

I'm such a writer! I constantly find myself wanting to write something, but I never know just what to write! I've lost all ideas of inspiration. Usually, if I think of something interesting, I can sit down and totally write about it, but lately, I haven't had any amazing thoughts and thus no stories have been written. It's saddening, because I have to admit I adore writing. 

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Hey! It's been a while since I have posted anything. I suppose I should give an update of some sort.

So... I have definitely been in mourning over the things happening lately. *sighs* When I posted my last blog, everything was fresh and I was definitely in pain, and rather numb.

There's no point in lying to anybody. I thought I handled…

I knew this would happen sooner or later. The question was, how soon?

Of course, I thought about that over and over, but I wasn't really that worried. In fact, I was more of: Live in the now, not the past or future. Because if I think too much about those times, my anxiety overcomes me and I lose myself in stress.

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Oh yes, I'm back with more complicated stuff. Kinda sad, but you know, I just wanna talk and get it out of my system, and also hear what everyone else has to say. 

So, today I found out that my boy has been harboring a lot of things... he's been working very hard, and has also been worrying about hurting me. For a long time, I was starting to get anxious because he…

I'm scared. Simple. Of what? Stating my opinion. Saying what I want to say. I'm really nervous because I know I say a lot of negative things sometimes, but I try really hard to write about happy things, to look on the upside, to smile. I worry that if I talk too much about how I feel, because lately it's been a lot more on the negative side, you guys are all gonna stop reading my blogs. 

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I have a video to show you all, and it's all because my boy insists that I show it off to the world. Today, during band class, because we had a substitute, I got to go into another room and do whatever the hell I wanted basically. So of course, I lock myself into the practice room in the orchestra room, which was very vacant at the time. There's a piano in there, which is why that was so appealing to me. So, for an hour, I messed around on the piano. During that…

For reasons from my past, I have a hard time trusting guys. I don't mean to be like that, because not all guys are the same, but one traumatic event leads to a whole series of mistrust.

What I really want to say is that I think my trust issues are slowly being fixed. I've always been rather cautious and protective…

I am embarrassed when I get packages in the mail. My reactions are outrageous!! I get so excited over the package that I do a happy dance, want to call all my friends and tell them what I've got, and I squeal. Yes, I squeal over the package! Not only that, but I start giggling, and then I rush to rip the package open.

Why am I talking about packages? Haha, I know it was…

I hate the color pink, so I'm not sure why I'm using the color today :P

Ahhh, it's been a few days since I've posted anything. The most eventful stuff that happened is kinda exciting... KINDA.

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Gotta admit... this is the first blog kind of thing I've ever done, and really, it's addicting. It's nice to know that there are people out in the world who are interested in reading my posts and actually comment on them. It makes me feel appreciated, and like I actually exist in this world, instead of being a shadow.

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So I predicted how today was going to turn out pretty well yesterday. Have you ever wanted something so badly, and you tried your hardest to make it happen, but everything backfired and it turned out how you, unfortunately, knew it would? Yeah, happened to me, of course. I did my best to make today a good day, but with one event after another, I found it increasingly difficult to keep a smile pasted on my face. 

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So I figured that I might as well have fun with colors in my blog. Why make everything so monotonuously the same? Although I have noticed that some of the colors make it difficult to read... hmm.. I'll have to mess around some more.

Anyway, onto the topic that I really want to discuss! Today (so far) has been such a fun day at school! At first, it started out terribly. I'd…

I've never really liked the rain, but I can tolerate it. Sometimes it's very refreshing after a long dry, hot summer, the rain pouring down on my skin. The soft drops can be soothing, especially to the mind. But for months and months, it's been rainy and cloudy and just miserable. I miss my outside freedom in the warm light! Where did the sun go? It feels as if it's been gone so long it's just disappeared.

Actually, these past few days, it's been sunny outside, and I've been…

I often have weird thoughts about all different kinds of things. I don't know how they're put into my head, usually it's just me staring off into space, thinking about a million and one different things all at once. Sometimes what I come up with in my head is truly weird, or something that is quite awesome to think about... or something entirely different.

Today, I've…

Ahh, my previous post was distressing, yeah? I'm sorry for freaking out. Although I refuse to delete it, so that some day I can come back here and look at it and remember what goes through my mind in my childhood days.

As I have mentioned before, I am always stressed, have been for years. I am going to make a guess and say that part of my reaction came from stress and anxiety and my other disorders. But also, a part of it was just me overreacting. Truly…

Somebody tell me what I should do... My heart is aching, as my anxiety gets worse and worse. The guy I love... yes him, the one who is always on my mind. Some thing is happening to us. He has told me multiple times, nothing can separate us besides death, and his mom. His mom... why? 

My guy's mom wants him to marry specific girls. She doesn't want him marrying scum like me. She doesn't know me though... how…

A coating of despair coats your heart, choking it slowly. You can feel the weight of all the pressure on your shoulders. Carefully avoiding gazes of the people around you, you keep your head down. They all want so much, expect so much from you, draining you like vampires.

There is no hope for people like you, as you remain unseen, but used. Holding the pain tenderly in your…

Can you truly call it love when you honestly don’t mind if the one you love doesn’t want to be with you but someone else? Can it honestly be love when all you literally want is for them to be happy, even if it hurts you so much?

He says he loves me, and that the only thing that can separate us is death. I am not convinced. I have no self worth, and so I really don’t see what he sees in me. I am so many imperfections squeezed into one small female body. I know that no one is…

I am currently enrolled in a psychology class. I thought it would better help me understand what defines me, and what makes other people tick.

Yesterday we were going into a new chapter. We just got done studying personality and defense mechanisms and such, and are now entering a chapter on stress and on how to deal with it. We talked about characteristics of stress and some effects it has on us.

As I was following along with the teacher, it all punched me in…