Hospital AGAIN!!!!!!!

My oldest boy and my Wife went to the Shell station Saturday night to get everyone something to drink...While they were there, (from what my oldest has told me), my wife started having trouble breathing and ended up passing out...He quickly called 911 and in three minutes the ambulance was there...I get a phone call and thought my wife had wrecked my truck, because all the oldest would tell me was I needed to come get the truck...I was able to get a ride to the Shell station when an officer pulled me over to the side and told me that they had to intubate her and that they were breathing for her...Then the officer told me that she had died and the EMT's were able to bring her back...They take her to the hospital and it doesn't get any better....

   It's pretty bad dude...She died on us three times, once at the Shell station, once on the way to the ER and again when they life flighted her to Jackson...They were able to get her back all three times and as it stands right now, she is in the Cardio Vascular Intensive Care Unit at Jackson Madison Hospital...She is stable, but critical. They have her on life support and they have dropped her body temp to 33 degrees to keep her brain from swelling...Today they started warming her body temp and said it will take a while in order for them to reach normal body temp...Once this is down, they will stop the sedatives and will allow her to start waking up to see if she'll start trying to breath on her own...Right now she is in a medicated coma...

   After she comes to, if she comes to, she'll have brain, diabetes, kidney, lung and heart specialists prodding and probing her for the next 2 months and then she might get to come home after that...But as it stands right now, that's just being hopeful...

   So right now I'm just running on instinct and nothing else....That's why I haven't been around for the last few days....I'm really just doing my best to keep it together for the boys...If I break they'll end up thinking or believing the worst and so I have to keep going and deal with this shit on my own...

   Yeah her mom and sister and my sister and dad are trying to help me deal with it, but as it stands right now, none of them understand a mothering fucking thing and I wish people will stop telling me that they know what I'm going through and telling me to call them if I wanna talk...

   They have NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH AND I DON'T NEED TO FUCKING TALK TO ANYONE...Yes, some of them have lost spouses and friends and lovers and whatever, but they don't know how I fucking feel or what I'm going through...I have people saying I'm sorry dude, it must be tough...

   YOU STUPID SONOFABITCH, REALLY, YOU THINK IT'S FUCKING TOUGH!!!  WHAT GAVE YOU THE FIRST FUCKING CLUE SHERLOCK MOTHERFUCKING HOLMES???

   DEAL WITH TWO KIDS who are MOMMA's boys all the way, One is 17 and the other is 9 and listening to them cry in thier rooms because their mom's aint fucking home...Try taking on the roll or putting on the shoes of someone who could defuse a situation by just looking at the kids...Take on the roll of someone who could make you laugh just by spilling a drink or something...

   You want to know what the hell I'm going through, I'm pissed off at her for not taking better care of herself, I'm pissed off at me for not taking the fucking steps that needed to be done before her ass ended up back in the fucking hospital...I'm pissed off at the man upstairs for putting my family through this mess, I'm pissed off at everyone that has literally told me "I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH", when they know FUCKING NOTHING about what I'm going through...

   I'm pissed off at myself for not even being able to be in her room and not being able to look at her...I'm pissed off because I cant even bring myself to touch her...I'm pissed off because everybody keeps telling me I need to be there with my wife and they all know that the fucking 80 mile round trip eats a lot of my gas for my truck, let alone how limited my funds are in even keeping the fuel in the truck...

   I'm fucking tired of everyone wanting to touch me and hug me or somehow show pity towards me...

   If these fucking people really wanna help me, how about helping supply me with the funds I need to drive and see my wife...How about come watch my fucking dog for the day so I can see my wife while my kids are in school...How about fucking pulling out that gas can in your goddamn garage and putting it in my gas tank...How about helping me out with a little bit of food to feed my kids...

   Quit telling that if there's anything you can do, to let you know...Because when I mention something about a few bucks for gas or a pack of fucking hotdogs so my kids can get something in their bellies, because our foodstamps haven't kicked in yet, and you tell me well I don't have it or I'll have it tomorrow...FUCK THAT, you said ask if I need anything to call, I call because I need a little fucking help because my wife is in the hospital and I need a little help with minor shit, and you're going to tell me you can't do it or you don't fucking have it...Well let me tell you MOTHERFUCKERS SOMETHING, I'M FUCKING DONE WITH YOU....Don't fucking tell me shit and when it comes time to collect on your word you back pedal and fight or lie to get out of owning up to your word....

   Sorry, nothing like this applies to you dude...I'm just so tired, worried, confused, upset and just trying to keep a check on my emotions and shit that I didn't mean to rant...Things just don't look good around here...The shit seems to be hitting the fan and I'm not prepped for shit like this...Hell, zombies, I'm ready for...Losing my wife and having to raise two kids alone, dude that's got the shit scared out of me...

   I'm trying to look on the fucking bright side, but it's really hard when you end up seeing your wife with tubes in her nose, lines in her arms and neck and a breathing tube down her fucking throat...

   So if anyone wants to know how I'm fucking doing, My wife is on her death bed and I have to boys that are emotionally stressed the hell out because their mom is in the hospital and I'm scared shitless...

   No offense to anyone, but please don't tell me you know how I feel...Because everyone feels shit different and this is the most scariest shit I've ever been through and this is NO FUCKING walking in the park....

   I'm posting this as a reply to so many emails of everyone asking me how's things going...I don't mean any offense by any means of what I said or direct any of this towards anyone here, I just had to update everyone on what's going on...ANd today I really had enough of "If there's anything I can do, Call me" fuckers that I had to let it out...

Miss you guys....

Jessie